A Considerable Blip

So I did get my medication back, and it was helping, but thanks to a stressful couple of weeks and my inability to notice things, I have gone without my bupropion for the last three days, and wow has it sent my brain straight into the trash. I haven’t had the time or energy to write any more since that one little spree, but I am thinking about it again, which is still a vast improvement over the zoloft-induced zombification from last summer. It doesn’t help that my current hyper-focus is PLANTS PLANTS PLANTS. I’m compiling a dossier on some of the native milkweeds, images and information about germination, growing requirements, all that stuff. It’s probably not necessary, since most of them are native, after all, and won’t require much effort once they get established–if they ever do. I have a good track record for germination, but a very bad one when it comes to actually, you know. Getting things into the ground. I have exactly one tree left from the great tree-spree of 2022, and it is, unfortunately, one that requires cross-pollination. oops.

Anyway: I have had seeds on the brain. I don’t need to buy more seeds, since I have plenty left over from last year (and the year before) but I couldn’t help myself. *facepalm* I finally got some Pearl Milkweed seeds, some various other native things like Mexican Buckeye and Texas Lantana, American Wisteria…started updating my spreadsheets…now if I could get some time to actually plant things…

Getting Back Into a Rhythm

So after two years I have finally been put back on the meds combo that was working so well in 2022, and I’m starting to feel something closer to myself again. My appetite is back to normal, I’ve gained back all the weight I lost, and I’m starting to be a little productive around the house. Writing is still not happening, but that’s more about not having time–we are shorthanded at work so I’ve been working something closer to full time hours, and I’m behind on Christmas gifts, plus the whole mare’s nest of my house after two years of major depressive issues. I’ve also been reading again, a little. Mostly rereads–brainless stuff to distract myself from the cesspit my country is currently sinking into, though I did finally read my most recent inter-library loan, My Aunt Is a Monster by Reimena Yee. Putting aside the irony of a graphic novel about a blind protagonist, it was a very cute story, though I think it would have made more of an impact as a regular novel, in which Safia’s blindness could have been better illustrated (no pun intended) by telling the story through her other senses. It does give me an idea for a novel…but I won’t say any more on that, considering how many other projects I have in the pipeline right now.

Since I’ve been feeling more capable, I allowed myself to buy a few plants to replace the ones I lost during my last depressive episode. They had a Monstera Thai Constellation at Walmart of all places, and I couldn’t resist that. I also found a Golden Pothos on clearance–usually Walmart’s clearance plants are in A State, but this one was gorgeous and full. I also got a Ficus Tineke, a small Pearls and Jade Pothos, and a couple of African Violets. And last night they had a Rhaphidophora on the clearance rack at Walmart, and even though it was in less that sterling condition, the plant seemed healthy enough–just some sunburnt leaves, and at $7 it was a too good a price to resist. There are some small pots of Shefflera I’ve been eyeing too, but I’ll have to see if there are any left next week, because the budget is too tight right now for even another $6 baby plant, sigh.

The weather has been pretty bad the last couple days–freezing temps, we even had snow, which they predict every year, but almost never actually happens. The dogs were extremely excited about that, though Sadie was a little dubious of all that cold, fluffy white stuff all over the porch the morning after.

Medication Bingo, Round (Approximately) Eight Million

Haven’t posted lately–I was put on sertraline and while it helped with my anxiety, it didn’t do much for the depression aside from leveling out my moods, and it utterly destroyed my creative spark. Any time I tried to focus on writing or any other creative endeavor, it felt like my brain was bouncing around like a ping-pong ball. We tried to mitigate this admittedly known symptom by upping my bupropion, but that did not help, and it finally got to the point where it was making me more upset not to be able to create than the sertraline could handle.

I had an appointment last week, and my doctor agreed to put me back on venlafaxine. She did not agree to let me keep taking the bupropion with it, despite the fact that taking bupropion with the sertraline also carried a seizure risk, and the fact that I was taking the bupropion/venlafaxine combo for more than a year without any such symptoms, and the fact that I was doing extremely well on that combo. But whatever. If the venlafaxine isn’t enough by itself, I’m going to ask to try atomoxetine. I was on it briefly a few years ago, but I don’t remember if it was more or less effective than bupropion.

Sertraline is one of those medications you have to taper off, and I have to say, this is absolutely murdering me. I start the venlafaxine tomorrow and it cannot start working fast enough.

Media Roundup May 2024

I’m still dealing with a huge reading block, but the last couple weeks have been…somewhat productive, but mostly only if you count rereading stuff I haven’t read in like, a long time. I was recently going through my kindle library, deleting stuff from authors who’ve pissed me off, and I found, way down in the depths, a bunch of books I decided I really wanted to reread.

It’s weird to reread books you haven’t even looked at in years. Like, knowing what happens without remembering any of the details is a weird sensation. Anyway, I reread Ginn Hale’s Cadeleonian series, or rather, the first four books–I knew there were two more but I never did get them, a problem I should remedy now, since these are really good books. Though they are definitely not for the faint of heart. Hale does not flinch from the ugliness of racism, religious prejudice, or the absolute grimy, bloody horror of living in a late medieval setting. But the characters are wonderfully, lovingly rendered, and the plotting is top-notch.

After that, I reread the Lynes and Mathey series, by Melissa Scott, which consists of two gaslamp fantasy mysteries set in a London with an interesting magical system. Then I started to reread another of her series, the Astreiant series. It’s another one with really interesting magic, this one based on astrology, and it’s a matriarchal setting, which is honestly so refreshing. I’ve got through three of the five books so far, but stalled out after that, because the problem with me and reading is that when I start a book there are only two outcomes: I hate it and quit, or I read until I’m done. And if I’m reading through a series of fairly long books, that can pose a problem for getting literally anything else done. I miss being able to listen to audiobooks, but since I went off my antidepressants, I can barely get through them. I have so many I’ve stalled out on halfway through and just can’t get back to them.

I did manage to listen all the way through the audiobook of Most Ardently, by Gabe Cole Novoa, though it was definitely an Experience. I kept having to rewind because I would just zone out without meaning to. Also the narration was done at such a low tone and volume that it was difficult to hear over the air conditioner unless I used my in-ear earbuds. That was my only complaint about the narration, though, the narrator did a good job otherwise. The story itself is a trans Pride and Prejudice, with Oliver (the Elizabeth character as a trans boy) as the POV character. It’s a very internal story for Oliver, rather than an attempt at a strict, period-accurate depiction of the trans experience, so it really feels more like a fairy-tale. This impression is only strengthened by the many instances of modern vernacular that might turn off a more historically minded reader.

That’s not to say it’s purely fluff. The focus on Oliver’s dysphoria was intense enough that even I found it upsetting, and the transphobia from the antagonist–let’s just say that there are certain parallels to my own orientation which made the threat of being forced to live as a wife and mother all the more horrifying to contemplate.

I also read K.L. Noone’s latest, a novella from her Magician series, and it was…fine. Would have been a much more interesting story if we’d been able to see the development of Van and Milo’s relationship as opposed to simply being told how they became friends. It functions better as a look at Lorre’s early character. Honestly my favorite part of the book was the list of story ideas at the back, especially ‘Five hundred years later, archeologists excavate the site of Lorre and Garrett’s first school’ which, if she doesn’t get around to writing, I definitely will at some point. I can’t stop thinking about how Lorre would react in a modern day setting, especially considering the climate change issues and how he would feel about all that with his connection to the natural world, and I think I just gave myself an idea for a novel. (because I needed another one lolsob)

Lastly, and the reason this is a media roundup instead of my usual reading roundup, I watched Pride and Prejudice and Zombies last night and…wow, what a bad movie. Like, I read the book, back when this silly publishing trend was actually booming, and it was just some good, ridiculous fun, but the movie was so badly edited and the dialogue and characterization was so minimal that it doesn’t even qualify as a popcorn flick. The way they were stringing together the most well-known lines of dialogue from the original just made the poor handling of the rest of the story all the more execrable.

Some other notes: I had to give up listening to Gideon the Ninth a few weeks ago right as the plot was starting to kick in, because my brain is trash, but the ebook was available from the library so I plan to try that and see if I can’t get through it this time. Also the next Psycop book is out, and I still have KJ Charles’ latest, and I got one of Cat Sebastian’s books on sale, and two Astreiant books left, one of which I never did get around the reading when I bought it. Fortunately for me I did buy it, apparently they’re out of print right now :(

peaches and bugs

We are firmly into Bug Season here in Texas. No fleas yet (knocks on all the wood) but I made the mistake of walking across the yard in my sandals and now I am covered with chigger bites. Plus I saw another scorpion. :/

On a brighter note, the big peach tree gave me the biggest harvest yet, and they are the juiciest, most delicious peaches ever. I’ve filled up one standard grocery bag and barely made a dent. Peaches for DAYS, I’m so excited.

This is also the first year the small peach tree produced fruit that actually ripened (usually it only does a handful that stay tiny and green until they get got by the bugs) but this year there were about half a dozen that looked really good. Unfortunately, they ripened faster than the big tree’s peaches, and are already rotting on the tree. I can’t really be that sad about missing out on them, since I did get a bumper crop from big tree, plus, the butterflies are enjoying the rotten peaches immensely. I’m sure the wasps and bees are too, but all I saw while I was checking was butterflies.

Since I don’t use pesticides, there were a certain number of the peaches that were inedible due to the extreme bugginess. One that I pulled off the tree had a weird dark spot at the top, and when I pulled it in half, there was a spider living in the peach where the seed should have been. I’m not sure what happened to the seed, that was really weird. And now I have to wonder if that spider read James and the Giant Peach.