So (if there’s anyone actually still reading this) you probably noticed I haven’t updated like.
In a while.
Things are not so good in my brain currently. I feel no creative spark. I feel no sparks at all. I am exhausted, mentally, physically…basically I’m a sad lump. I don’t even feel sad. I mostly just feel…tired.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. Maybe I just needed to say it, even if it’s only just shouting it into the void. I should make a doctors appointment and see if this is a symptom of something, maybe get my brain pills upped, but thinking about all that just makes me so tired.
After totally wasting a ton of time on a bunch of Christmas ornaments, which is really annoying and upsetting, I finally got the AFWT website up, and it’s currently up to date with all the chapters released! I know, nothing short of miraculous! I’m still working on the other venues—-Dreamwidth (horrible name aside, it’s the most like Livejournal we’ve got that’s not being slowly ground to dust under our megacorporate overlords), and Pillowfort (not exactly a burgeoning community over there yet sigh). I still need to chop up all the chapters into individual documents, proof them one more time for typos and flow issues, and back them up to the cloud so I can do this shit even if I’m not in front of my tablet. Do not ask about my laptop, it is currently circling the drain. I think it knew I was going to end up flat broke and in mild credit card debt this year so yay for that. (I love my awful fur children but they are EXPENSIVE YO *sobs hysterically*)
2019 was an industrial trash fire! Good riddance!
Here are links to Chapters Five and Six! Links to the alternate sites are on the home page at AFWT.jmcowan.net, as are the social medias where you can follow the updates!
My goals for the new year! Learn how to talk to other people! Get more crafty stuff done! Finish A Shield and an Anchor, and also Golden Wolf! Blog more! Totally break the record on how many exclamation points one person can use in a single blog post!
I’ve been doing pretty well in general on my upped dose of Zoloft: writing more, being more social, getting out of the house on my days off. I feel more energetic (though that could be the prescription Vitamin D I am also on) and happier in general, and when I’m not it’s much easier to push past the negativity now so I can get back to what I’m doing without going into an emotional tailspin that sends me completely out of it for days.
Also, I can have caffeine again. Dark chocolate. Tea.
Which is good, because Zoloft is not without its side effects, and the one I’ve drawn seems to be…sleepiness.
On the plus side, this makes for slightly more restful sleep at night, though I still have nights when I lie awake and/or wake up repeatedly. I have also been having some very…odd sorts of dreams. Some of them have been quite intense. And the sleepiness hasn’t kept me from getting up in the mornings, interestingly enough. I’ve gotten out of bed before noon nearly every day (though some days it’s been only just before lolsob).
On the negative side, it means I spend a lot of time yawning and stumbling around/into things, and napping in the afternoons when I’m not working. But, as I said: I CAN HAVE CAFFEINE NOW!!!
I did have my first really bad patch since having my dose upped this week. Wednesday we were super busy at work, and Thursday I had to do a work-related thing that ended up forcing me to cancel my plans for my day off. (And it turned out to be completely pointless? Like, our store consistently scores very high in our image evaluations. My boss is so conscientious I could probably have taught the damn class myself without notes.)
I tried to treat myself to some shopping after, since I had to drive back though my usual shopping haunt, but it didn’t help. I also got yelled at for sitting in a chair I was considered purchasing and that was the opposite of help. So when I got back home I decided to lie down for a while and ended up sinking into a horrible funk and being basically non responsive to everything, and, consequently, getting none of the things I needed to do done.
I did try–got up about midnight and made myself eat and stared at Ch49 for a little while before giving up and taking some Benadryl and rereading something from my fave list in bed while I waited for sleep to claim me.
Friday I managed to get myself up in time to be practically productive if not creatively. I felt bad when I realized my sister had taken out the trash and cleaned up after the cats while I was busy being a semi-conscious lump, so I washed the dishes. Felt twitchy and anxious at work, plus we were super busy for much of the night. (Fridays. Ugh.) So I was exhausted by the time I got home. I basically just ate and went to bed.
HOWEVER. I feel back to normal today–worked on ch49 and everything!–so my fingers are crossed that the last three days were just a confluence of PMS and being way too busy at work and possibly also allergies messing me up.
My eye appointment was today, and picking out my new frames by myself was just as frustrating as I had imagined. The place I went was pretty small, and the selection of frames they had to fit my tiny face was also…quite small.
I, uh, had to choose my new glasses from the kid’s rack. But! They are metallic fuchsia, a bit lighter and redder than my current glasses–or at least the color my current glasses used to be before I finally rubbed the color off from wearing them WAY past their expiration date. (You do not even want to know how long it’s been since I went to the eye doctor.)
Then I went to Half Price Books, because it was right across the street, basically, and looked for those reference books I didn’t find at Book People. I found Austin, An Illustrated History, which looks to be a good general history. Remarkable Plants of Texas also looks like it will be good, as it contains not just info about the plants, but their historic uses and cultural significance. Indians of Texas was on my list for the original version of Golden Wolf, so I bought it even though I’ve changed a lot of stuff since then. After I got home I realized I already had one book with a similar title that I found on Ebay last year. Oops. Oh well. I also bought some books about digital photography–a general guide for dummies, and couple of books about nature and wildlife photography–because the male lead of Golden Wolf is a nature photographer.
I should have looked at books about the Hill Country too, but I spent entirely too much money today already.
Speaking of nature photos. I went for a walk. Have a sunset.
I went to get my phone battery changed. It turned into a mild adventure. Which is to say I am now a bit stressed out.
I got to the battery place and they did have a battery, fortunately. Two of them. When my mom went, that had told her there was one but they were wrong. Twice. It was not an encouraging story. The girl took down my information and went to replace the battery. She went behind a little high walled kiosk thing and I could hear her making sounds that were also not terribly encouraging. There was a loud adhesive-tearing sound. Then she brought my phone out and plugged it in because apparently these batteries do not come charged?
And we waited for the phone to come on.
And we waited.
And we waited.
And ten minutes of incredible awkwardness later she finally decided she would try the other one. Meanwhile my stomach is doing that stress thing. You know. Cold knives in the gut sort of thing. This gets worse when she brings my phone back out and we wait for it to come back on. She is holding the original battery that came with the phone now and it…does not look viable anymore. She broke the capacitor on it taking it out so if the second battery didn’t work I was basically out a phone.
And we waited.
My stomach: D:
And then, thank all the gods and spirits* it actually started. It has been working just fine since yesterday. Not great battery life but that’s probably the iOS 10 update’s fault. Apple does not really believe in backwards compatibility. :/
*I love how after working on this book for a year and a half I keep catching myself swearing in character. I expect any day now to get a Look from one of my customers for saying ‘fire and water‘ instead of ‘dang it’
It currently only lasts about five minutes unplugged. I’ve had this phone for about three years, I think? An iPhone 5c. It was free with my contract renewal, and it’s been getting slower anyway, so I thought I’d go and see about a new one.
Went to Verizon, and my options, as told to me by the guy behind the counter, are to pay full price outright for a phone (lolno), or pay monthly payments until it’s payed for (it’d take two years to pay for the damn thing). So I said, “You don’t do contract renewal pricing anymore?”
And he said they did but my bill would go up by twenty dollars a month.
So I said that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard of, who would pay more to be trapped in a contract for two years? And he said it was to keep the non-contracted customers.
But…you don’t want to keep the ones who are willing to be contracted? Like, I could *switch* phone companies right now and get a cheaper phone? Big business logic?!??!!? (Also, they wanted to charge me fifty dollars more for the phone than Apple would have if I bought it outright?!)
I know, I know. “Stop wasting time whining about phones and finish the dang book already.”
I am about halfway done with the revision, though. I…severely doubt I will be able to finish before the new year, unless my muse lights a serious fire under my @$$. I was looking at Ch12 today, and Extremely Large chunks of it will have to be rewritten from scratch now–I will never, ever write another book without figuring out all the worldbuilding details first again–I have basically halted work on my side project (tentatively titled ‘Golden Wolf’) for just that reason. (It’s an asexual romance with wolves who can turn into people, not werewolves, set in small town Texas. I’m planning to do a research trip for it for my birthday, to Boerne, which is tentatively the setting. Haven’t decided whether it will be set in the real town or a fictional version.)
I also figured out the emotional arc for the sp/ace romance. I had been stumped for a conflict, and stupidly ignored that it was right there in the first scene that I live-tweeted last year, because I thought it was going to be a much different story than the one it is supposed to be. Oops. Oh well, I still have a deal of research to do for it anyway. I thought of writing it for NaNoWriMo this year, but I think I’ll actually just work on AFWT instead, see if I can’t finish it before the end of the year. And on that note, I’ll go work on Ch12, but only for an hour, because I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow, chief of which is going to get the battery replaced on my phone because *makes rude gesture at Verizon*