and I feel…fairly normal, I guess? Not significantly more motivated to do anything, but I did manage to finish Ch46, bringing my wordcount to 231K. Eep. Editing this beast is going to be a chore and a half, let me tell you.
I have tentatively started ch47, which has the scene that has been tripping up my brain for months now as I try to figure out how I should end it. Probably it will become obvious while I am actually writing it because I’m apparently the type who just figures things out as I do them instead of obsessively plotting everything in detail ahead of time. (I used to do this but it ends up being a waste of time because I always end up changing that one thing that ends up having an exponential effect on everything else which results in having to pause the actual writing while I revamp all my notes and try to figure out how to replot everything *flings self into sun*) ANyway I’ll be over here, staring down this decision that probably no one else but me will think anything of…
So, Monday: kind of blah, but with the added bonus of having to go to work. At least it was Truck Day, aka the day I go in earlier than usual and spend a few hours checking in and stocking the week’s grocery order. I had the headache again, took some Tylenol and it went away. Still wasn’t sure if it was allergies or a side effect.
I felt tired and still kind of blah when I got home, so I spent a couple hours burrowing (aka rereading the fluffiest books I could find in my ebook library) and then I decided I had to get up and DO something, so I cleaned the kitchen. Then my sister came home from school and we talked and I felt better, because the key to feeling better is actually not feeling like you are completely alone in the universe. Love to my mum and my BFF, who both checked up on me, I really appreciated that. <3
Tuesday: A pretty good day, actually. I got up at a decent hour (for me), headache seemed to still be gone, and wrote a bit, got a good ways into that scene that was kind of terrifying the life out of me. (No really, but there was dialogue by characters who had only been referenced vaguely in the story before, and you know how I feel about Dialogue. Hey, it's hard.)
Then I went to work and I'm pretty sure the Universe was deliberately sending all the most difficult people in town directly to me because ye gods, I was ready to fling things at people by the end of the day. Went home and burrowed some more.
Did not get up at anything like a reasonable hour today but it's fine. No headache! :D I'm going to try to write a bit now. I have an eye appointment tomorrow, and no one to go with me, and before you ask why a 36 year old person needs an escort to the eye doctor, I'm legally blind so picking out new glasses on my own should be...interesting.
Wish me luck.
Woke up at a so called ‘reasonable hour’ (for me, the night shift worker, aka ten-ish) but it didn’t take. Spent most of the day napping and reading, wrote maybe a hundred words. Felt kind of drowsy and headachey all afternoon, which could still be allergies. I feel fine now…just in time to go to bed…lol, right back atcha, Universe.
So! It’s Day One of Being Medicated. I feel…fine, I guess? Despite feeling sleepy while I was sitting here blogging last night, I did not drop right off to sleep. When I opened up my shower to fetch my facewash so I could wash my face before bed, there was a giant scorpion in my shower, which seemed…inauspicious. I flushed him and finished getting ready for bed at around two, but it was closer to four before I actually got to sleep. Slept fairly well, it seemed like, then woke to a possibly poorly strategized nine-thirty alarm.
Stayed in bed until just after eleven anyway, finishing Glitterland by Alexis Hall (for the fourth time) because why wouldn’t I reread a book with a clinically anxious depressive protagonist right now? It’s a good book, though, same author as the Kate Kane series. Beautiful writing, one of those polar opposites attract sorts of romances that don’t seem quite plausible but you end up rooting for the couple anyway, and it has some extremely on point observations about depression.
I felt remarkably chill all day, but my head was in a bit of a fog for much of the afternoon, and I had a slight headache, both of which could also have been put down to allergies, since I did wake up slightly stuffy. I had plenty of time to write before work, but wasn’t very productive. I had some trouble focusing.
This carried over into work, because I had a hard time remembering the customers’ orders in the drive thru and spent much of the day spacing out at my register. Managed to write a little, like, a page worth in my steno pad, but even though I have a pretty clear idea of how this part of the scene should go, I had trouble making myself write it down. This, sadly, is not atypical, so it might not have anything to do with the Zoloft.
I sincerely hope this stuff isn’t going to make me even spacier than I already am. I don’t know if the world can handle that.
My head felt clearer and the headache went away as the evening wore on, but I remained spacey all day, and a bit detached. I didn’t feel anxious at all, but since it was atypically quiet for a Saturday, with none of the upsetting variety of customers, I don’t know if that means anything.
Anyway, I hope tomorrow will be more productive. I have wasted my drawing time tonight blogging now. *flings self into sun*
I was prescribed Zoloft for my depression, and I have just taken my first dose. I finally achieved the unlikely combination of being tired of not having the motivation to actually do any of the things I want to do, and a day in which I actually felt well enough to make the phone call to my doctor’s office to ask for it. I was offered meds back in March (I think?) but I said I wasn’t sure then.
I don’t know if I’m sure now. I am very anxious about this, but the paperwork assures me Zoloft also works for anxiety. Convenient. I will try to document my journey into (hopefully) better mental health, or alternately, into the Land of Horrible Side Effects, whichever it ends up being. Supposedly if I take it at night it should help me with my sleep issues. We shall see. I have been medicated for about ten minutes so far, and I am starting to feel rather sleepy already. Probably I should go get ready for bed now, but I feel like I should at least talk about something more cheerful first.
I am still (yes, still) dragging along on ch46. This middle scene was supposed to be short, but it’s proving informative, as worldbuilding goes. I had to come up with names for side characters, but I was at work when I got to that part, and somehow the constant running around is frustratingly inspiring. (Frustrating because I have the attention span of a gnat and the memory capacity of an antique floppy drive. I have no idea how many conversations my characters have had while I’m too busy to write anything down, but it is one of those scary-large numbers with lots of commas, probably.) Anyway, I am pleased with how it’s going, my tendency to go on and on and on, etc, notwithstanding.