A Flower With Thorns

Being Medicated: A…Blip (Hopefully)

I was doing really well with my Wellbutrin but the last week or so everything just kind of…ground to a slow crawl. I was lucky to get out a couple hundred words a day, then luckier to get myself out of bed in time for even that much. Then one of my coworkers flaked out and I ended up doing overtime which meant I worked seven days straight so I am EXHAUSTED still from that. Plus the stress of having to be a witness at an upcoming drunk driving trial…

(Why, why can people not just behave themselves?!)

The latter of which is the reason that I had to be up at a truly ridiculous hour on the first day I’d had off in a week. Got to the Justice Center fifteen minutes early only to find out the trial has been reset.

I am not currently filled with faith in our justice system. The drunk driving thing happened two years ago.

Seriously, wtf.

So. Came home, ate, went back to sleep. Read and played Tropicats for a while before I made myself get my computer and look at the sadly neglected Ch53, then realized the reason it was so hard to drag the words out was because I was taking the chapter in the wrong direction.

-_-

So I’m probably gonna have to scrap all three thousand words of it and start over.

As you can probably imagine, this was not a fun thing to realize. I meant to go through what have and try to fix it, but then I remembered I had to go back to town, to work, on my day off, to renew my UST training. That stands for Underground Storage Tank, but after following too many romance authors on social media (and more recently, falling down the fanfic wormhole) I can’t look at that acronym without wanting to LOL.

Anyway, that’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back. Stupid certifications. *grumbles about people with no common sense making things more difficult for the rest of us*

I crashed again when I got home. Laid in bed not really sleeping until ten thirty, when I finally forced myself to get up and make dinners for the rest of the week. I’d bought chicken, mushrooms and Brussels sprouts after I got off work Monday, but was too tired to cook after having to work Sunday night and then get back up early on Monday morning for the truck. So I prepped the garlic, shallots, mushrooms, and chicken, and while that sautéed, started shredding the sprouts. I’d gotten through about half of the bag before I managed to slice a chunk of skin off the edge of my thumb.

Which is bad enough but I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding, and it was my right thumb, naturally, so everything after that was awful. It hurt, I couldn’t manage the spice jars or the pepper mill. Ended up tossing what I had of the shredded sprouts into the pan and finishing it up as a one pot dish. It didn’t turn out too awful, but it certainly could have used a bit more flavor. Sigh.

I cleaned up as well as I could manage one-handed, which is to say, not that well, and went to bed.

Anyway. Not a great week. I am officially taking a break from everything creative until next Tuesday. Then I’ll figure out if I was just rundown because overwork and too hot weather, or if I need to try to up my Wellbutrin.

Either way, it’s super annoying that it happened when I’m on the last dang chapter of this book. :/

Being Medicated: Keepin’ On Keepin’ On

I am on my third week on Wellbutrin, and so far, it’s still knocking it out of the park. I finished Ch51 last week, and it took me a couple days to edit it to send out to my beta. I actually finished the first editing pass last Friday, but I thought it needed one more, so I decided to do that after work.

Let me tell you, the difference in working with Wellbutrin and working after it’s mostly out of my system is like night and day. I was up until 5 a.m. (after getting off work at about 12:30) and it took me that long to read through a not-quite 7000 word chapter. My attention span was ALL OVER THE PLACE. It was frustrating, and the only thing that kept me from checking out of the attempt was that I’d told my beta I’d get it to her that night.

I gave myself a break over the weekend before diving into Ch52, but it took me until Tuesday to actually start. I’m not managing to write much on my days off–to be honest, I’m still having trouble getting my lazy bum out of bed–but the chapter is already about 1500 words. It’s going well, I think. I’m optimistic that I’ll get the first round revision done before fall. I’m shooting for an October or November release right now, but at the very least before 2019 starts.

*knocks on ALL the wood*

In more practical progress, I’ve made a list of WordPress themes to use for the AFWT website, though I’ll wait until I’ve actually finished the first round revisions before I mess around with installing it on the domain.

On other fronts…well, let’s just say art stuff is still stalled out due to lack of time. I did start working on my Christmas gift prep work for this year–accumulating reference material, brainstorming ideas, shopping around for the supplies that I don’t already have in my considerable collection of crafty junk. I even made a notebook on my iPad to sketch out ideas, though I haven’t actually drawn anything in it yet: see aforementioned lack of time. I’m using Inkflow, which has a terrible name, but is actually a very nice notebook app with a lot of useful features.

I’ve gotta get that in gear, I don’t want to make myself crazy like I did last year, waiting until December to start on the projects and having to stay up until ridiculous hours to get things finished.

*crosses fingers*

Being Medicated: Productivity is Up!

I have managed to write quite a bit this last week! I am trying not to get too excited, because the placebo effect is a real thing and it can take time to adjust to brain meds, but I haven’t written this regularly or this prolifically in months. I’m nearly done with his chapter, in fact. :D

That’s not to say I’m doing super great or anything. My ability to get up before noon is still hit or miss–to be perfectly honest, it’s mostly miss. But even with an hour or less of writing time on workdays, I have been getting out between 500 and 800 words (the 800 word day was largely typing up what I had written at work the day before, if I’m honest, but it’s no easier getting handwritten stuff into the manuscript than it is typing up new stuff or editing old stuff so it still counts). I have one scene left to finish, and if I can get it down by Tuesday, it’ll be an entire chapter drafted in two weeks!

It took me months to finish the last one!

Anyway: ability to focus has definitely improved. I am currently quite happy with the results, writing-wise. It hasn’t made me significantly less scatter brained in other areas, and I have yet to manage any art-related projects, but that’s mostly a time issue. Working six days a week is…not conducive to the creative hobbies. Just, you know, in case you were wondering. *sigh*

Being Medicated: Progress Update

So I’ve been on the Wellbutrin for a week now. It took a couple days into my vacation to start feeling productive again but Thursday ended up being a pretty good day for writing, about 1,500 words for ch51. I didn’t get anything done Friday (because that wasn’t a vacation day T_T) but I had almost 3k by the end of Sunday, finishing off the climax scene. The scene still needs work but the method of finishing a chapter before fussing over corrections to it is the best way for me to actually finish things.

I didn’t write much this Tuesday but I maintain that’s not really my fault because two of my favorite authors came out with new books ON THE SAME DAY SO RUDE RIGHT DONT THEY KNOW I HAVE A NOVEL OF MY OWN TO FINISH

*exasperated sigh*

But today I managed just shy of 500 words despite only have about 45 minutes of writing time. Which is a lot better than what I’ve been doing. And it was relatively painless work so I’m holding out hope that this new medication will work out.

In other facets of my life, I am still the same scatterbrained space cadet I’ve always been so no change to my work or the fact that I can barely shift my lazy bum out of bed before noon. Still working on that lolsob.

Being Medicated: Productivity, Maybe?

So, Ch50 is edited, sent to my beta, and it was…one of the most painless editing sessions I’ve ever experienced? And I wrote 1100 words today, which is…really good, considering I’ve gotten down maybe 150 on the few days I’ve managed to get up early enough to make writing time for the last couple months. I am not sure whether to ascribe this to the Wellbutrin, or to the fact that I’m on vacation and literally have nothing better to do than spend several hours slouching over my laptop (and no customer service stress to exhaust me, can’t underestimate the value of that). I don’t feel any different? A little light headed, but not enough to affect my actions. I may be a little better able to resist the constant distractions that have prevented me from getting things done recently, though? I think?

The true test will be after I go back to work, I guess. When you only manage to grab an hour or so of regular writing time, distractions are like a death knell to progress. I am still working on getting myself into bed at a reasonable hour though lolsob. I have not managed to get up at a decent hour over the last few days of taking it. (sigh)

Anyway, the climax to this ridiculously long book has begun! I want to keep working, but I think I’m all written out for the day, so it’s probably a good idea to go do something more active and a lot less attention-requiring. Like go to the grocery store. Cause I’ve barely left the house since my vacation started. *shrug*

Being Medicated…Phase Two

So, last time I talked about my antidepressant stuff I sounded so optimistic, but then I crashed hard. December was…literally the worst. And January wasn’t too hot either. (Literally or figuratively…my electric bill! *sobs*) So my doctor doubled my dose of Zoloft. I have to take it twice daily now, which is a pain to remember even with alarms on my phone, but it also means that forgetting for an hour or two doesn’t mess me up as bad as when I was on one a day, so that’s nice. I’ve actually managed to be productive–not super productive, but I have managed to write about eight thousand words in February, which is better than the two previous months combined. Unfortunately not all of it was for AFWT. o_o;

It’s not unusual for me to come out of a depressive spiral with a new story idea–I tend to find something to distract myself–a TV show, a movie, a new books series–and start poking at it until it suits my tastes. This one started off as fan fic of my own characters, a fluffy tea shop AU, but the idea sort of blended with the books I was reading recently (Psycop and the Rowan Harbour Cycle) so now I have a third story to tell in my Genius Loci series, Woodhaven, about an asexual enby artist/seer who works part time in a cafe run by genius loci descended wolves in a town hidden in a forest, which is populated by a variety of genius loci who have lost their ancestral territories and human magic-users hiding from the eyes of the world. It takes place some time after the events in the two previous planned series, Golden Wolf and A Spirit of Place, but I don’t know if the characters will cross over yet, since I haven’t quite crystallized the plot details in my head. I should probably do that, lol.

I am chipping away at the next scene for AFWT, but it’s a duel scene and those are hard. (It doesn’t help that I can’t get my lazy arse out of bed early enough to have time to work on anything.) But it is getting worked on. Soon I’ll be done with the beginning of Woodhaven and my brain will hopefully get back on track so I can finish the beast.

It’s been a week of Being Medicated

and I feel…fairly normal, I guess? Not significantly more motivated to do anything, but I did manage to finish Ch46, bringing my wordcount to 231K. Eep. Editing this beast is going to be a chore and a half, let me tell you.

I have tentatively started ch47, which has the scene that has been tripping up my brain for months now as I try to figure out how I should end it. Probably it will become obvious while I am actually writing it because I’m apparently the type who just figures things out as I do them instead of obsessively plotting everything in detail ahead of time. (I used to do this but it ends up being a waste of time because I always end up changing that one thing that ends up having an exponential effect on everything else which results in having to pause the actual writing while I revamp all my notes and try to figure out how to replot everything *flings self into sun*) ANyway I’ll be over here, staring down this decision that probably no one else but me will think anything of…

A couple of uninspiring days later…

So, Monday: kind of blah, but with the added bonus of having to go to work. At least it was Truck Day, aka the day I go in earlier than usual and spend a few hours checking in and stocking the week’s grocery order. I had the headache again, took some Tylenol and it went away. Still wasn’t sure if it was allergies or a side effect.

I felt tired and still kind of blah when I got home, so I spent a couple hours burrowing (aka rereading the fluffiest books I could find in my ebook library) and then I decided I had to get up and DO something, so I cleaned the kitchen. Then my sister came home from school and we talked and I felt better, because the key to feeling better is actually not feeling like you are completely alone in the universe. Love to my mum and my BFF, who both checked up on me, I really appreciated that. <3 Tuesday: A pretty good day, actually. I got up at a decent hour (for me), headache seemed to still be gone, and wrote a bit, got a good ways into that scene that was kind of terrifying the life out of me. (No really, but there was dialogue by characters who had only been referenced vaguely in the story before, and you know how I feel about Dialogue. Hey, it's hard.) Then I went to work and I'm pretty sure the Universe was deliberately sending all the most difficult people in town directly to me because ye gods, I was ready to fling things at people by the end of the day. Went home and burrowed some more. Did not get up at anything like a reasonable hour today but it's fine. No headache! :D I'm going to try to write a bit now. I have an eye appointment tomorrow, and no one to go with me, and before you ask why a 36 year old person needs an escort to the eye doctor, I'm legally blind so picking out new glasses on my own should be...interesting. Wish me luck.

Chill and a bit foggy

So! It’s Day One of Being Medicated. I feel…fine, I guess? Despite feeling sleepy while I was sitting here blogging last night, I did not drop right off to sleep. When I opened up my shower to fetch my facewash so I could wash my face before bed, there was a giant scorpion in my shower, which seemed…inauspicious. I flushed him and finished getting ready for bed at around two, but it was closer to four before I actually got to sleep. Slept fairly well, it seemed like, then woke to a possibly poorly strategized nine-thirty alarm.

Stayed in bed until just after eleven anyway, finishing Glitterland by Alexis Hall (for the fourth time) because why wouldn’t I reread a book with a clinically anxious depressive protagonist right now? It’s a good book, though, same author as the Kate Kane series. Beautiful writing, one of those polar opposites attract sorts of romances that don’t seem quite plausible but you end up rooting for the couple anyway, and it has some extremely on point observations about depression.

I felt remarkably chill all day, but my head was in a bit of a fog for much of the afternoon, and I had a slight headache, both of which could also have been put down to allergies, since I did wake up slightly stuffy. I had plenty of time to write before work, but wasn’t very productive. I had some trouble focusing.

This carried over into work, because I had a hard time remembering the customers’ orders in the drive thru and spent much of the day spacing out at my register. Managed to write a little, like, a page worth in my steno pad, but even though I have a pretty clear idea of how this part of the scene should go, I had trouble making myself write it down. This, sadly, is not atypical, so it might not have anything to do with the Zoloft.

I sincerely hope this stuff isn’t going to make me even spacier than I already am. I don’t know if the world can handle that.

My head felt clearer and the headache went away as the evening wore on, but I remained spacey all day, and a bit detached. I didn’t feel anxious at all, but since it was atypically quiet for a Saturday, with none of the upsetting variety of customers, I don’t know if that means anything.

Anyway, I hope tomorrow will be more productive. I have wasted my drawing time tonight blogging now. *flings self into sun*

I am now, officially, medicated

I was prescribed Zoloft for my depression, and I have just taken my first dose. I finally achieved the unlikely combination of being tired of not having the motivation to actually do any of the things I want to do, and a day in which I actually felt well enough to make the phone call to my doctor’s office to ask for it. I was offered meds back in March (I think?) but I said I wasn’t sure then.

I don’t know if I’m sure now. I am very anxious about this, but the paperwork assures me Zoloft also works for anxiety. Convenient. I will try to document my journey into (hopefully) better mental health, or alternately, into the Land of Horrible Side Effects, whichever it ends up being. Supposedly if I take it at night it should help me with my sleep issues. We shall see. I have been medicated for about ten minutes so far, and I am starting to feel rather sleepy already. Probably I should go get ready for bed now, but I feel like I should at least talk about something more cheerful first.

I am still (yes, still) dragging along on ch46. This middle scene was supposed to be short, but it’s proving informative, as worldbuilding goes. I had to come up with names for side characters, but I was at work when I got to that part, and somehow the constant running around is frustratingly inspiring. (Frustrating because I have the attention span of a gnat and the memory capacity of an antique floppy drive. I have no idea how many conversations my characters have had while I’m too busy to write anything down, but it is one of those scary-large numbers with lots of commas, probably.) Anyway, I am pleased with how it’s going, my tendency to go on and on and on, etc, notwithstanding.