I have managed to write quite a bit this last week! I am trying not to get too excited, because the placebo effect is a real thing and it can take time to adjust to brain meds, but I haven’t written this regularly or this prolifically in months. I’m nearly done with his chapter, in fact. :D
That’s not to say I’m doing super great or anything. My ability to get up before noon is still hit or miss–to be perfectly honest, it’s mostly miss. But even with an hour or less of writing time on workdays, I have been getting out between 500 and 800 words (the 800 word day was largely typing up what I had written at work the day before, if I’m honest, but it’s no easier getting handwritten stuff into the manuscript than it is typing up new stuff or editing old stuff so it still counts). I have one scene left to finish, and if I can get it down by Tuesday, it’ll be an entire chapter drafted in two weeks!
It took me months to finish the last one!
Anyway: ability to focus has definitely improved. I am currently quite happy with the results, writing-wise. It hasn’t made me significantly less scatter brained in other areas, and I have yet to manage any art-related projects, but that’s mostly a time issue. Working six days a week is…not conducive to the creative hobbies. Just, you know, in case you were wondering. *sigh*
So I’ve been on the Wellbutrin for a week now. It took a couple days into my vacation to start feeling productive again but Thursday ended up being a pretty good day for writing, about 1,500 words for ch51. I didn’t get anything done Friday (because that wasn’t a vacation day T_T) but I had almost 3k by the end of Sunday, finishing off the climax scene. The scene still needs work but the method of finishing a chapter before fussing over corrections to it is the best way for me to actually finish things.
I didn’t write much this Tuesday but I maintain that’s not really my fault because two of my favorite authors came out with new books ON THE SAME DAY SO RUDE RIGHT DONT THEY KNOW I HAVE A NOVEL OF MY OWN TO FINISH
But today I managed just shy of 500 words despite only have about 45 minutes of writing time. Which is a lot better than what I’ve been doing. And it was relatively painless work so I’m holding out hope that this new medication will work out.
In other facets of my life, I am still the same scatterbrained space cadet I’ve always been so no change to my work or the fact that I can barely shift my lazy bum out of bed before noon. Still working on that lolsob.
So, Ch50 is edited, sent to my beta, and it was…one of the most painless editing sessions I’ve ever experienced? And I wrote 1100 words today, which is…really good, considering I’ve gotten down maybe 150 on the few days I’ve managed to get up early enough to make writing time for the last couple months. I am not sure whether to ascribe this to the Wellbutrin, or to the fact that I’m on vacation and literally have nothing better to do than spend several hours slouching over my laptop (and no customer service stress to exhaust me, can’t underestimate the value of that). I don’t feel any different? A little light headed, but not enough to affect my actions. I may be a little better able to resist the constant distractions that have prevented me from getting things done recently, though? I think?
The true test will be after I go back to work, I guess. When you only manage to grab an hour or so of regular writing time, distractions are like a death knell to progress. I am still working on getting myself into bed at a reasonable hour though lolsob. I have not managed to get up at a decent hour over the last few days of taking it. (sigh)
Anyway, the climax to this ridiculously long book has begun! I want to keep working, but I think I’m all written out for the day, so it’s probably a good idea to go do something more active and a lot less attention-requiring. Like go to the grocery store. Cause I’ve barely left the house since my vacation started. *shrug*
Hey, it’s been a while because I am literally the worst at blogging! I keep meaning to post something but my life is so boring I don’t really have much to say. I work, I read, occasionally I manage some writing. (I just completed the draft of Ch50! Thought I was never gonna get it done -_-)
The Zoloft is doing its work. My anxiety is still pretty much gone, my depression is…manageable. The sleepiness is a small problem, made worse by the incessant heat–summers in Texas are no joke, and it makes me so, so tired. Doesn’t help that I get up right in the middle of the day most days, when it’s getting really hot, and then go to work in a place that is like, 90% windows, coolers that blow warm air, and a 550 degree pizza oven–I really hate that thing.
Summer has never really been one of my productive seasons for that reason, unfortunately, but I feel like this year was even less so than usual. I don’t want to complain about my anti-depressants because they’ve made my existence so much better, but the main reason I got on them was so I could be productive again, and aside from the boost I got right after upping my dose, they have…not really done much for that.
If anything, I’ve gotten a bit worse. :/ I’ve been stuck on Ch 50 for months, my brain feels so scattered whenever I try to focus on anything that requires serious concentration, and I’m pretty sure it’s executive dysfunction that keeps me in bed till noon or later nearly every morning.
So on my last follow up appointment, I mentioned to my doctor that I thought I might have ADHD. Long story short: they made me an appointment with a psych nurse, she is leaning towards an ADHD diagnosis (it is apparently difficult to diagnose adult ADHD because there are so many reasons why adults could have attention issues) and I started on medication for it today.
I was leery of doing this because when I was researching long term effects of drug addiction for Woodhaven, I discovered that literally every single ADHD med is on the big, scary list of frequently abused prescription drugs. So yeah. I really do not enjoy taking medicine in the first place, and I think the fact that I faffed about over the issue until I was 36 years old despite being miserable a good 90% of the time says pretty clearly how reluctant I was to take this step, and even though I am glad not to live in a vortex of anxious despair anymore, I kind of resent being dependent on medicine for something that most people take for granted.
Yet here we are. I took my first dose of Wellbutrin about an hour ago. It’s not an ADHD med, but it is used to treat it in situations where stimulant based drugs can’t be used. Hopefully it will help my concentration issues. I’m not sure if it’s doing anything yet, because I slept like crap last night. I’m on vacation this week, so it’s a perfect opportunity to keep track. I’ll keep everyone posted. For now, though, I’m going to laze about in bed a bit longer, because what’s the point of a vacation if you can’t? ;p
I’ve been doing pretty well in general on my upped dose of Zoloft: writing more, being more social, getting out of the house on my days off. I feel more energetic (though that could be the prescription Vitamin D I am also on) and happier in general, and when I’m not it’s much easier to push past the negativity now so I can get back to what I’m doing without going into an emotional tailspin that sends me completely out of it for days.
Also, I can have caffeine again. Dark chocolate. Tea.
Which is good, because Zoloft is not without its side effects, and the one I’ve drawn seems to be…sleepiness.
On the plus side, this makes for slightly more restful sleep at night, though I still have nights when I lie awake and/or wake up repeatedly. I have also been having some very…odd sorts of dreams. Some of them have been quite intense. And the sleepiness hasn’t kept me from getting up in the mornings, interestingly enough. I’ve gotten out of bed before noon nearly every day (though some days it’s been only just before lolsob).
On the negative side, it means I spend a lot of time yawning and stumbling around/into things, and napping in the afternoons when I’m not working. But, as I said: I CAN HAVE CAFFEINE NOW!!!
I did have my first really bad patch since having my dose upped this week. Wednesday we were super busy at work, and Thursday I had to do a work-related thing that ended up forcing me to cancel my plans for my day off. (And it turned out to be completely pointless? Like, our store consistently scores very high in our image evaluations. My boss is so conscientious I could probably have taught the damn class myself without notes.)
I tried to treat myself to some shopping after, since I had to drive back though my usual shopping haunt, but it didn’t help. I also got yelled at for sitting in a chair I was considered purchasing and that was the opposite of help. So when I got back home I decided to lie down for a while and ended up sinking into a horrible funk and being basically non responsive to everything, and, consequently, getting none of the things I needed to do done.
I did try–got up about midnight and made myself eat and stared at Ch49 for a little while before giving up and taking some Benadryl and rereading something from my fave list in bed while I waited for sleep to claim me.
Friday I managed to get myself up in time to be practically productive if not creatively. I felt bad when I realized my sister had taken out the trash and cleaned up after the cats while I was busy being a semi-conscious lump, so I washed the dishes. Felt twitchy and anxious at work, plus we were super busy for much of the night. (Fridays. Ugh.) So I was exhausted by the time I got home. I basically just ate and went to bed.
HOWEVER. I feel back to normal today–worked on ch49 and everything!–so my fingers are crossed that the last three days were just a confluence of PMS and being way too busy at work and possibly also allergies messing me up.
So, last time I talked about my antidepressant stuff I sounded so optimistic, but then I crashed hard. December was…literally the worst. And January wasn’t too hot either. (Literally or figuratively…my electric bill! *sobs*) So my doctor doubled my dose of Zoloft. I have to take it twice daily now, which is a pain to remember even with alarms on my phone, but it also means that forgetting for an hour or two doesn’t mess me up as bad as when I was on one a day, so that’s nice. I’ve actually managed to be productive–not super productive, but I have managed to write about eight thousand words in February, which is better than the two previous months combined. Unfortunately not all of it was for AFWT. o_o;
It’s not unusual for me to come out of a depressive spiral with a new story idea–I tend to find something to distract myself–a TV show, a movie, a new books series–and start poking at it until it suits my tastes. This one started off as fan fic of my own characters, a fluffy tea shop AU, but the idea sort of blended with the books I was reading recently (Psycop and the Rowan Harbour Cycle) so now I have a third story to tell in my Genius Loci series, Woodhaven, about an asexual enby artist/seer who works part time in a cafe run by genius loci descended wolves in a town hidden in a forest, which is populated by a variety of genius loci who have lost their ancestral territories and human magic-users hiding from the eyes of the world. It takes place some time after the events in the two previous planned series, Golden Wolf and A Spirit of Place, but I don’t know if the characters will cross over yet, since I haven’t quite crystallized the plot details in my head. I should probably do that, lol.
I am chipping away at the next scene for AFWT, but it’s a duel scene and those are hard. (It doesn’t help that I can’t get my lazy arse out of bed early enough to have time to work on anything.) But it is getting worked on. Soon I’ll be done with the beginning of Woodhaven and my brain will hopefully get back on track so I can finish the beast.
Sorry for falling off the edge of the world for a bit there…had a couple of pretty bad weeks, probably due to getting a bit off schedule with my medication. Spent most of it unable to get out of bed until absolutely necessary or rereading the fluffiest selections from my library instead of doing…well, anything. Then I decided I wasn’t making enough of an effort and when I finally made myself do that, I ended up having a very good week; finished ch47 (it was a difficult scene, lots of Feelings) and made myself get out of bed early enough to take walks every morning, which was nice.
The weather this week kind of screwed that over, unfortunately, but I have managed to write almost two thousand words of ch48. Not a great count considering I’m on vacation, but meh. Not gonna make myself feel like crap over it. Making an effort is hard work.
As for Being Medicated: the meds are helping me be less anxious for sure, and work has gotten a lot less unpleasant to deal with since I got over the initial brain fog period of adjusting to them. The depression part has been harder to kick, but since I decided to Make an Effort, I have been texting people more, and I got back on twitter again yesterday–tweeted some pix of the jewelry bits I’m making for Christmas, and of the unexpected snow we got last night. Creative stuff is still a little slow to get into, but I think I just need to get into the habit of it again. (Which is harder than it sounds, but I did it with writing, so I’m sure I can do it with drawing too. Eventually.)
In other news, it was my birthday last Friday, and I had a nice one; we went out for pizza and it was a lot of fun, I made myself a chocolate green tea marble cake, which was tasty, bought myself a bunch of books with the gift card my Mom gave me. Haven’t read any of them yet because Writing happened instead, but they’re in my library, anyway. ;p
and I feel…fairly normal, I guess? Not significantly more motivated to do anything, but I did manage to finish Ch46, bringing my wordcount to 231K. Eep. Editing this beast is going to be a chore and a half, let me tell you.
I have tentatively started ch47, which has the scene that has been tripping up my brain for months now as I try to figure out how I should end it. Probably it will become obvious while I am actually writing it because I’m apparently the type who just figures things out as I do them instead of obsessively plotting everything in detail ahead of time. (I used to do this but it ends up being a waste of time because I always end up changing that one thing that ends up having an exponential effect on everything else which results in having to pause the actual writing while I revamp all my notes and try to figure out how to replot everything *flings self into sun*) ANyway I’ll be over here, staring down this decision that probably no one else but me will think anything of…
My eye appointment was today, and picking out my new frames by myself was just as frustrating as I had imagined. The place I went was pretty small, and the selection of frames they had to fit my tiny face was also…quite small.
I, uh, had to choose my new glasses from the kid’s rack. But! They are metallic fuchsia, a bit lighter and redder than my current glasses–or at least the color my current glasses used to be before I finally rubbed the color off from wearing them WAY past their expiration date. (You do not even want to know how long it’s been since I went to the eye doctor.)
Then I went to Half Price Books, because it was right across the street, basically, and looked for those reference books I didn’t find at Book People. I found Austin, An Illustrated History, which looks to be a good general history. Remarkable Plants of Texas also looks like it will be good, as it contains not just info about the plants, but their historic uses and cultural significance. Indians of Texas was on my list for the original version of Golden Wolf, so I bought it even though I’ve changed a lot of stuff since then. After I got home I realized I already had one book with a similar title that I found on Ebay last year. Oops. Oh well. I also bought some books about digital photography–a general guide for dummies, and couple of books about nature and wildlife photography–because the male lead of Golden Wolf is a nature photographer.
I should have looked at books about the Hill Country too, but I spent entirely too much money today already.
Speaking of nature photos. I went for a walk. Have a sunset.
So, Monday: kind of blah, but with the added bonus of having to go to work. At least it was Truck Day, aka the day I go in earlier than usual and spend a few hours checking in and stocking the week’s grocery order. I had the headache again, took some Tylenol and it went away. Still wasn’t sure if it was allergies or a side effect.
I felt tired and still kind of blah when I got home, so I spent a couple hours burrowing (aka rereading the fluffiest books I could find in my ebook library) and then I decided I had to get up and DO something, so I cleaned the kitchen. Then my sister came home from school and we talked and I felt better, because the key to feeling better is actually not feeling like you are completely alone in the universe. Love to my mum and my BFF, who both checked up on me, I really appreciated that. <3
Tuesday: A pretty good day, actually. I got up at a decent hour (for me), headache seemed to still be gone, and wrote a bit, got a good ways into that scene that was kind of terrifying the life out of me. (No really, but there was dialogue by characters who had only been referenced vaguely in the story before, and you know how I feel about Dialogue. Hey, it's hard.)
Then I went to work and I'm pretty sure the Universe was deliberately sending all the most difficult people in town directly to me because ye gods, I was ready to fling things at people by the end of the day. Went home and burrowed some more.
Did not get up at anything like a reasonable hour today but it's fine. No headache! :D I'm going to try to write a bit now. I have an eye appointment tomorrow, and no one to go with me, and before you ask why a 36 year old person needs an escort to the eye doctor, I'm legally blind so picking out new glasses on my own should be...interesting.
Wish me luck.